Saturday, July 15, 2006

More medical words of wisdom

Poor planing on YOUR part does not constitue an emergency on MY part-It's getting to be that time of year again. The time of year when we will start getting calls from panicked parents desperately needing to get their spawn in for a school physical. Around the last week of August parents will call, demanding an appointment that day-and it's usually for a time slot after we close. Skippy needs a physical immediately or else he won't be able to go to school tomorrow, but Mumsy doesn't want him to miss any school today so she can't bring him in until 4:30. Well, tough shit! You KNEW he needed a check up. The school sent a notice at least 3 times during the summer. Your friends mentioned taking their offspring in June to get it out of the way. And if he can't go to school tomorrow without one, it might be worth it to take him out a few hours early today. It's better to miss a little time today than a whole day tomorrow. That is of course, if we even have a time slot available. DO NOT scream at me if I don't have any openings in my schedule. It is NOT my fault you blew this off for 3 months. I don't give a shit if he can't go to school tomorrow. Or start football practice because you couldn't be bothered to schedule his sports physical. And if you do manage to get an appointment, for the love of everything green and sunshiney, please bring in the damn forms. I do not have forms for every fucking school in the area. I have the form required by the state, but it will take time to fill it out and you may have to come back for it. And if its for a sports physical, each school has it's own form. Again, don't get pissed at ME if you don't have YOUR shit together.

Deductibles. Always the shit with deductibles. KNOW YOUR INSURANCE POLICY. Or at least accept the fact that you will have to pay something out of pocket. Gone are the days when insurance companies had an open wallet for people. Screaming at ME about your bill will not make me waive the charges. If you get hit with a deductible that usually means we didn't get paid anything for your visit from the insurance company because everything went towards your deductible. And no, I will not call the insurance company and intervene on your behalf. YOU picked out the plan, you deal with it. And if your employer picked it out, scream at him.

Your mother doesn't work here. We work here because we care about your health. We really do. But if you can't be bothered with checking your sugars, watching your diet, taking your medications...don't get pissed at us when your condition don't improve or even worsens. We can't do it for you. We are NOT going to call you to make sure you are doing what is necessary to keep your diabetes/cholesterol/blood pressure under control. And please don't lie to us about taking your medications. We know how many refills you were given and when. If the doctor writes you a prescription for 3 months and 5 months later you finally come in, we know you couldn't possibly have been taking your medications on a regular basis. It's simple math here people.

Punctuality-I swear to Goddess, the next time someone shows up late for an appointment and then has the balls to get pissy with me when I tell them that they have to reschedule, I will LOSE IT! Do you get pissy with your boss when you show up late for work and get called on it? Do you get pissy when you show up late for a flight and the plane left without you? We set aside time for YOU and when you show up late, we eat that time-time another patient might have wanted. And this is the same type of person who gets all bent out of shape if the doctor is running behind because we squeezed in another asshole earlier in the day for doing the same thing. It's not going to happen.

Be prepared-this covers a lot of complaints with medical professionals. If you know you are having fasting bloodwork, and we tell you 3 times to make sure you fast, don't get mad at us when we refuse to draw your blood after you inform us that you "forgot" and had a breakfast that would make a lumberjack sick.
We are in on Saturday as a convenience to you. We do not have to be open on Saturday. We would prefer to be able to sleep in, run errands, spend time with our families, but instead we come in for a few hours to be more accesable to patients who work, or become sick late in the week. If you suspect on Friday afternoon or evening that you are coming down with something and would like to see the doctor on Saturday, please be ready to come in right away. DO NOT call us at 10:00, and if you are told to come in right away, tell us that oh, now you have to get dressed, find a sitter and stop and get gas before you can come in-around 12:30. We close at noon and will not stay just because it didn't occur to you that we have lives too.
And don't tell me you are "only" 5 minutes away. I have a pretty good idea where you live just by looking at your address. Even at 2:00 in the morning, with absolutely no traffic and all the lights in your favor it will still take you 20 minutes to get here. Get your ass out of bed, throw on some clothes and be ready to hop in the car.

Common sense is an oxymoron. Please have some basic stuff at home. A "high fever" is NOT 99.5. Thermometers are about 5 bucks at your local pharmacy. If you call and complain of a "high fever" and we ask you how high, do NOT tell me that you don't know because you don't have a thermometer, but you just know that it's high. If you come in and it is only 99, the temptation to bitch-slap you may be more than I can bear. A cough and the sniffles are not the flu. 3 normal bowel movements in one day is not considered diarrhea. Think back to what you ate last night. Buffalo wings do me in every time.
Generic motrin is cheap. If your child is sick and has a fever, please consider some home care first. You really are allowed to give your child over the counter medications-honest. But if you choose to bring her in and your entire visit goes towards deductible, DON'T GET PISSY WITH ME! (notice a trend here?)

*pant, pant* Nope. For some reason, I don't feel better. I know this doesn't apply to most of my readers, so I guess I am just banging my head against the wall here. But thanks for letting me bitch.
Manic Witch wove her spell:: 7/15/2006 08:02:00 AM ::
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